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Playelder: Letterman [05 Jul 2010|01:05am]

(crossposted to my LJ)

Here, after a long hiatus, is another story by the ex-Mormon funny guy Playelder. A long while back I posted his first story, and it was a doozy. None of his others reach quite the same level of hilarious blasphemy, but there are still quite a few really good ones.

In this tale, Playelder recounts his brief term of study at BYU Idaho Ricks College in Rexburg, Idaho, then a junior college. As before, I’ve cleaned up the punctuation and formatting a little from how it first appeared on Usenet, but have not changed any of the content. Footnotes explain some of the terms that may not be familiar to non-Mormons or non-Utahns. Most people here won’t need them, and in fact, I invite you to correct me if I’ve said something wrong.

I’d like a P, Bob
by Playelder

I have nothing constructive, intelligent, or well thought out to add here. Just a stupid story.

I had the privilege of attending Ricks College1 in 1985. ’Twas rather easy to get in. I was a member in good standing and it was to be little more than a pit stop before heading out for the mission, so it was a rather uneventful accomplishment. Just pass the worthiness interviews and you are now admitted the wonderful world of higher academia, LDS style. My grades in high school were less than magnificent. I’d flunked geometry 3 years in a row. It had something to do with using theorems and proofs in order to prove the trapezoid in question actually was a square. Being of the TBM2 frame of mind where personal worthiness and obedience were the highest priorities in life, and all success in life was directly predicated upon how worthy and obedient I was, the rules of reality that others adhered to did not apply to me. I knew it was a square because I prayed about it and it was revealed unto me from on high that it was truly a square. Plus the fact that the brethren had already conferred about the topic and testified unto the fold that it was truly a square. No need to get bogged down with details like logic and reason. That would be foolish. Theorems and proofs are for the hard of heart who have sinned and now are past all feeling. The brethren have declared it to be a square, I prayed and it was revealed unto me that it was a square, therefore, I’d like to bear my testimony that this trapezoid is truly a square, and I know it to be true with all my heart. Inthenameofjeezuschristamen. No, there was absolutely no need to concern myself with grades in high school. Just be worthy, and if BYU3 doesn’t have room for you (translation: won’t accept you), Ricks will.

Note to future employers: I mite not bee ejukated enuff for this job, butt i’m werthy enuff for it.

Continue…Collapse )


1Ricks, a two-year college at the epicenter of east-Idaho Mormondom, has since been rechristened “BYU Idaho.” Whether its academic standards have been tightened up accordingly, or whether it’s still basically a place to mark time until one’s mission (or, for women, to use as a steppingstone to a real college) is unknown to the author.
2True Believing Mormon, also known in some circles as a Molly Mormon.
3BYU Provo, of course.
3 comments|post comment

Anniversary [27 Jun 2010|12:25am]

Today is the 166th anniversary of Joseph Smith's death. Read all about it in the fairly unbiased Wikipedia article:

3 comments|post comment

A minor rant about Mormons [26 May 2010|01:19am]

[ mood | angry ]

My mum (no1typo, who sometimes posted in this community) died two weeks ago, and the funeral was today at the local anglican church at mum's request (she finally quit the church over prop 8 last year sometime), and the one decent mormon I know came, the only one who stood by us after our priesthood holder (also known as my father) died in 1991 leaving mum with two young children attended...

Anyway, I digress. He attended and asked to concecrate mum's grave "for your dad's sake" (it's a double grave). My brother and I said he could because it made him feel better and honestly we really couldn't care less. I was pretty pissed though that he brought my dad into it. Yes, daddy was a TBM when he died, but really it seemed needless to invoke him on a day we were focused on mourning our mother.

He also told my brother that someone had seen a vision/dream of my dad recently and he (the mormon, not my brother, believed it had really happened. Honestly, I swear most mormons I've ever known have seen a vision or something of my dad in the years since he died, and it pisses me off. If he wants to communicate with me, or get me back to church or whatever then he really needs to come speak to me about it. Or I shan't believe it. Because he's been dead for 19 years now and never appeared to me or mum or Phil. And if he wanted us to know stuff you'd kind of assume he'd come to us rather than going through someone we don't know at all, or barely know, or have never got on with. Also, why didn't he tell those people he did appear to to take better care of his family who spent a good deal of those 19 years struggling in one way or another?

Seriously, WTF is wrong with these people?!

Also, is it just Mormons where a large number seem to have these visions and dreams of dead people, or at least tell people they have, or do all religions/sections of christianity suffer from this?


10 comments|post comment

Today's Doonesbury comic [20 May 2010|07:39am]

Ha ha! That's all I have to say! :-)

1 comment|post comment

[16 May 2010|06:56pm]

I talking with a friend yesterday and we got on the topic of the Twilight Series and how it had Mormon imagery. I've read all the books (for the same reason I read Harry Potter, that is, because everyone else was reading them.) and I never really thought about this aspect of the story.

However, I'm not posting about the imagery, but rather because I've been wondering how other Mormons view Twilight. Twilight is a fairly tame novel as vampire books go, but it is still not the sanitized story I would expect the LDS church to endorse.

So my question is what do Mormons, and especially the LDS church say about Twilight?
13 comments|post comment

Zelph [21 Apr 2010|08:48pm]

Book of Zelph is on Facebook!

1 comment|post comment

who needs a title? [21 Apr 2010|11:29pm]

Has anyone here seen the four hour PBS documentary on the LDS church called "The Mormons"?

I remember a few years ago when it premiered, our bishop told us about it in church and said that it was a fantastic thing, that many people would get to see what our church is all about, and we should all try to watch it.
I didn't watch it back then, but I remember turning it on for a minute, just to check it out... and what I saw was a historian talking about how Joseph Smith followed the same pattern as many charlatans and shamans, and how such people often become convinced of their own divinity. And I realized, this is not what our church leaders thought it would be...

I was thinking about that recently, so I got the DVD from the library, and my [never mormon] wife and I watched it today.
And it is with every ounce of my recommendatory power that I say that everyone here should watch this thing. It is excellent. It is interesting, and it does something very important: it looks at the church from an objective viewpoint... and as we all know, if there is something the Church abhors, it is being viewed objectively, or rather, any way other than from Church-approved sources. (There's actually even a whole segment on this! which made me quite happy)

Part 1 deals with the history of the church, from the First Vision to the exodus to Salt Lake, finishing with segments on the Mountain Meadows Massacre and polygamy.
When I say they do this objectively, I really mean it. They tell the history as the church tells is, as the members believe it. They interview members of the quorum of the 12, as well as LDS scholars and historians. They also interview secular scholars and historians, who, after telling the church's version of its own history, also speculate on things Mormons aren't supposed to think about: was Joseph Smith a mere con man? Was polygamy rooted in, to put it bluntly, horniness? They talk about Smith's treasure hunting days.
One of the most interesting things to me was the segment on the Mountain Meadows Massacre. There is endless debate as to whether Brigham Young himself ordered the slaughter, and there is no evidence to point either way. However, there are first hand documents, letters and journals and such, revealing Young's coverup of the whole affair, and showing that even before that, he had given the Native Americans permission to pretty much ransack any passing wagon parties. This is stuff the church doesn't want you to hear, and all I could think about was our bishop regretting telling us all to watch this...

Part 2 was about the church in modern days. It talked about how the church came to be socially acceptable, then had segments on missionaries, the church's feelings on family, the temple, and my favorite, a segment entitled "Dissenters and Exile," which, my fellow ex-mos, means us. It was quite interesting, and as I said above, it is all about how the church doesn't like those who pry. The apostles are actually on there discouraging severe intellectualism! Because it is damaging to faith.
There was one woman in particular who was interesting... she had some crazy idea that women should have the priesthood, and in her digging, she had found some very interesting records from Joseph Smith that would appear to support her... and the church didn't like it. And she was excommunicated.

Part 2 was my favorite, but the whole thing is vastly interesting. I had fun playing a little game with myself, identifying all the points my parents would have turned off the TV had we all watched it together (if they hadn't turned it off earlier, of course). I feel like church leaders would feel more than a little nervous about members watching this... which means that they should probably all watch it.

This turned out to be longer than I intended... sorry about that. In closing, I'm just curious who has seen it, what you thought, and to recommend this to anyone who hasn't seen it.
12 comments|post comment

Playelder: How to Hoodwink God [31 Mar 2010|12:01am]

Howdy all—please let me introduce myself. I’ve been lurking and occasionally commenting in this community for some time now, but since I’m not Mormon, and never was, I’m not sure I’m qualified to post here. I grew up in Ogden, however, and went to graduate school at the “U”, and so I can claim 20 years of Utah residency. For that reason, and because I managed to escape from behind the Zion Curtain, I can relate pretty well to the experiences and perceptions of the true ex-Mormons.

But I’m not posting to tell you about my own travails with the Church and its followers (though I have a story or two that would fit here). I would like to introduce the younger folks, at least, to the hilarious stories of Playelder, an ex-Mormon who blogged about his experiences in the Church and its culture before blogs even existed. He posted his classic tales, and bravely battled trolling Mormon apologists, in the Usenet newsgroup alt.recovery.mormonism during the late 90s. Many of you have probably heard of him, but I couldn’t find any references in exmormon, so I figured that enough people hadn’t to justify posting some of his Usenet posts here. His best work cannot be found on the Net by the usual means; I had to plumb the Wayback Machine to find my favorite stories.

I have here Playelder’s best, and perhaps first, anecdote from his LDS days. If this one is well received, I’ll periodically clean up and present some more. I pieced the version below from two sources: the original 1998 text, now available at exmormon.org; and a much cleaner 2006 revision, which, sadly, is missing the punchline. (The latter appears at the top of a huge, jumbled mass of Playelder works. The page format renders them nearly unreadable.) I originally posted it to my own LJ, after considerable discussion on the Mormon missionary program. (Condensed version: I oppose it.)

For the benefit of any other never-Mormons reading this, I added footnotes explaining some of the Mormon lingo that may be unfamiliar to the uninitiated. (Please let me know if I got anything wrong.)

As I said in my LJ, I hope that Playelder forgives me for copying this delightful story here, and that he understands the necessity to preserve it so that Mormons, and especially potential Mormon initiates, may read his words of wisdom and be enlightened.

How I Stayed Domestic (or, God Bless America!), by PlayelderCollapse )
4 comments|post comment

Kevin Garn story [29 Mar 2010|08:08am]

I don't know how much of a news this is to anyone here:

7 comments|post comment

[27 Mar 2010|09:42am]

are there any returned missionaries on here?
i'd love to hear your story, if you're willing to share!
8 comments|post comment

mormons and misconception about health care bill [26 Mar 2010|02:30pm]

So, the person I'm posting about has a problem with not checking facts. Oh, and she's mormon. (hence the post)

I am wondering, is it true what she says about the healthcare bill (last facebook entry below):

facebook posting about the healthcare bill

MOLLY MORMON i have an idea that can fix the whole sex offenders part of the healthcare bill: Lets just castrate all the men who moleste and rape, put them in the middle of the desert in a compound to live w/ the women who do the same. make them learn to grow their own food and build their own houses like the old pioneers had to....... that way we don't pay for them in anyway! what do you think???

hm, sounds like how the current dominating civilization of Australia started

I agree with GREEN, but interesting idea Jenny, hhmm. What's the whole sex offenders part of the health care bill, anyway?

true! but look how great Australia turned out to be! lol

well they will cover viagra for sex offenders... odd i think! oh and there is a debate over labeling sex offenders under one category or giving them a specific label (can't remember the exact wordage here) based upon what they did. and categorizing them. Which i agree with.... someone in jr... See More. high (do you remember the whole butt spanking day thing?) spanking other kids' butt or an 18 year old having sex w/a 16 year old and her parents are upset can be sued and considered a sex offender to an underage minor and you just see that along with another sex offender who molested a child. There is also debate on whether or not they can be "cured." i say the ones who were really evil should just be sent away lol... i never thought of australia that way until you mentioned it GREEN! =) but i think a desert is far worse than a deserted island!
5 comments|post comment

For your consideration... [24 Mar 2010|11:20pm]

A few years ago, when I was still a TBM, I remember hearing about LDS students studying abroad at the BYU campus in Jerusalem. Due to the laws of the country, students were not allowed to openly proselyte to people. But said one person to another, "How will you keep that light from out of their eyes?"

That was always a big thing in the church: the fact that you can see the light of Christ shining in someone's eyes.

My wife and I have been married for two years. We started dating four years ago. I was a TBM then, and by the time we were married I had rejected the church. She was never Mormon, and she was there when I went through the awful trial of questioning my faith and the anguish that comes from that, and eventually leaving.

We had an interesting conversation a couple nights ago. We were reminiscing about our early days, and she said that she remembers telling me, towards the beginning of our relationship, that she loved my eyes, that they were just happy and bright. I had told her that that was interesting, and told her what the church said about the light in its members' eyes.

After sharing that specific memory with me, my wife told me that she remembers when she saw that light die. I disbelieve the church with all my heart, but that shocked me. It was just so... suprising to hear. And then she said: "I think that was the loss of your innocence."

And I think it's true.

Just thought I'd share that. I thought it was interesting, and it kind of shook me.
4 comments|post comment

Troubled Times [24 Mar 2010|03:18pm]


This lovely video has been floating around my facebook the past two days.  I want to comment and ask them if they realize what a fucking WHACK job Benson was...


The Mormon's are becoming experts at promoting the politics of fear.  It's fucking sad.

Any of you have any entertaining comments from TBM friends and family about healthcare reform?

13 comments|post comment

The Jews and the Gentiles [14 Mar 2010|11:09am]

Fair Warning: this post contains scathing rhetoric

I have a Jewish boyfriend (named: "O." throughout...) that by the asinine appropriation of Mormon lexicon, would be considered a Gentile, or, one that is uninitiated in the customs and teachings of the One True Church (tm). So I made him watch some Mormon cartoonsCollapse )
3 comments|post comment

More Mormon-themed blogs... [03 Mar 2010|09:02pm]

I posted a few days ago about the Faking It blog (http://makebelievemormon.blogspot.com/), and there's another interesting one. This person has a unique idea.


She has been kinda straddling the Mormon fence for ten years, and so has decided to do her own personal Rumspringa, which is the Amish tradition of sending their teenagers into the world to enjoy whatever carnal pleasures strike their fancy before ultimately deciding whether to leave the religion or stay. It proves to be an interesting story, I think.
1 comment|post comment

Mormonism rears its ugly head at the most unexpected times [27 Feb 2010|02:19pm]

[ mood | annoyed ]

I know this isn't really, or shouldn't really be, the first concern of anyone hearing about the huge earthquake in Chile but this just struck me and I wanted to ramble briefly on LJ about it. It truly doesn't mean I'm being callous about the victims or anything.

Hi, I'm Lizzie and I'm an ex-mormon. I've been out for around 7 years. There are still some things I do, or largely don't do, like not really drinking alcohol at all, ever, and not drinking tea and coffee, that flag me as culturally mormon (I never got into the habit of drinking them after I left), but more and more I find that I just don't think about Mormons or Mormonism much any more. Which is actually quite nice.

When I woke up this morning and heard about the 8.8 magnitude earthquake in Chile my thoughts went to just one thing, which really irritated me as soon as I realised what had happened in my brain. The first thing I thought, coming so soon after the Haiti earthquake was "It's the latter-days" (According to LDS Church teachings...It is...believed that there will be increasingly severe wars, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other man-made and natural disasters prior to the Second Coming.)

When I was growing up the fact that I was part of a priviledged generation who would be around for the Latter Days and Second Coming was constantly brought up in Primary and Young Women and Sunday School. In it, the thought both scared and inspired me. Out of it, I would imagine they've been saying this stuff to every up-and-coming generation since the formation of the church.

As time has gone on since I left, these irrational moments, where my brain falls back in the first instance to Mormon teachings happen less and less, but I'm finding they irritate me more when they do happen, like this morning.

Seriously brain, WTF?

(Cross posted to witherwings)

9 comments|post comment

Faking It [26 Feb 2010|12:23pm]

I'm sure many of you are familiar with Postsecret (http://postsecret.blogspot.com/)

It always greatly amuses me whenever a Mormon-related secret pops up, like this one from this week's batch:


I wrote this post not only to share, but to inquire if anyone here had seen this blog, because I'm curious. But in the course of writing, I actually found it myself! I haven't really looked through it yet, but here it is:

3 comments|post comment

Julia Sweeney Video [19 Feb 2010|10:06am]

I enjoyed this video of Julia Sweeney humorously talking about her experience and thoughts when she was visited by missionaries. Just thought I'd share. =)
3 comments|post comment

I think I may be cured now [17 Feb 2010|04:58pm]
Earlier today I got an email from an LDS friend of mine. My reaction to part of it makes me realize that I may truly be "cured" of my brief foray into Mormonism.

My friend was writing about some issues in his life and he mentioned all the "WoW problems" he's having.

My first thought was: "When did he start playing World of Warcraft?"


A few years ago, I would have had a very Mormon thought in response to that phrase.
15 comments|post comment

Simpler Times! [02 Feb 2010|03:29pm]

mrssarav 's post reminded me of an anecdote I meant to post a couple of months ago.

I was in the middle of choir rehearsal and complained about a particularly cheesy song - "It sounds like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Sings The Great Spirituals!" My friend Evelyn rolled her eyes mightily and mentioned that the MoTabs do not do those songs justice. </font></span>
Evelyn was a long-time member of the Albert McNeil Jubliee Chorus a choir consisting of African American singers performing mostly Spirituals and other traditional music. She told me about how several years ago they combined with the MoTabs for a concert. After the MoTabs had completed their first set, the emcee (also provided by the mormons) segued into the Jubilee Chorus by introducing them patronizingly:

"... And now for music from a simpler time..."
Evelyn said the whole Jubilee Chorus was pretty incensed, and one chorus member didn't bother to lower his voice when he complained - "Simpler for WHOM, exactly?" It was such a simple time that human beings had to encode escape directions in their religious songs to flee from enslavement by other so-called Christians. Like this mormon emcee's view that everything back then was all Song of the South, with maybe a little Gone With The Wind thrown in.
FWIW, I was raised in the church and was taught as late as the 80's that blackness was the curse for being a slacker in the pre-existence. Even if they've stopped officially teaching that nonsense, the folk theology of institutionalized racism will last another couple of generations in the mormon church.
6 comments|post comment

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