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service attack of the clones [19 Sep 2007|07:12am]
[ mood | weird ]

So today is my birthday. Last night my boyfriend and I ordered a pizza and about 5 minutes later someone buzzed my door. Unwittingly I let them come up, thinking it is our pizza that has arrived lightning fast. I stick my head out the door and see a middle-aged woman I don't recognize and a teenage boy beaming at me with their brights on coming up the stairs with a plate of cookies. 

"HIIIIIIIII!" the woman gushes. I think maybe this is a woman from the apartment complex office coming to give me birthday cookies, but she seems to have too much energy. My complex does stuff like that sometimes, has a breakfast-to-go some mornings and give us gift cards and the like. 

"Hi?" I reply. 

"Rebecca?!?!?!" as if I am an old college roommate she has seen 10 years later in the supermarket.


"SO NICE TO MEET YOU!!! I'm Maryann and this is my son Cougar. We're from the church." Cougar? He looks like a JV lacrosse player.  "We just stopped by to bring you some birthday cookies!"

"How did you know it was my birthday? I didn't think anybody up here knew my birthday." Or my address for that matter. I haven't been to church ever since I moved to Dayton 3 years ago and I never put in a change of address for my information. I thought I was safe.

"Welllll I was just scrolling down the roster and theeeeere you were!" she trilled. "How long have you lived here? Have you just moved in?" I think she was looking for a reason why I wouldn't have been to church yet.

"No, I've lived in this complex for 3 years now."

"Oh..." she seems temporarily flummoxed. "Well has anyone set up visiting teachers for you?"

"Oh no no no no no-"

"I'll make sure you get some right away!"

"No, I really don't want any."

"Well do you know where the church is?"


This prompted Maryann and Cougar to give me a detailed explanation of where the church is and how precisely to get there from where I live. "You should come this Sunday, meetings are at 11!" Cougar seemed just as enthusiastic as his mom, which I found a little weird. They repeated a couple more times that I should definitely come this Sunday and then there was a moment where we all stood awkwardly around before Maryann said, "Well, SOOOOO nice to meet you!" as she backed down the stairs.

I went back inside and my boyfriend whispered, "Oh my God."

"Yeah, I know, " I said. "That's how they are, they can always hunt you down. I feel bad for even taking these cookies." On the top of the Saran wrap was a note inviting me to some "Loving & Accepting Our Sisters" conference. I felt like I had been a sales call.

"I wouldn't eat them," he said.

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