If they truly believe so strongly in their church, then why do they employ deceptive tactics to manipulate others into following suit?
This morning as I rode my bike to get coffee, I noticed the mo's coming down the street. An older neighbor couple who everyone knows are the local LDS affiliate gurus(my neighborhood is remarkably liberal and non-lds for being in the center of SLC) were working their way down the block house by house. First thing I noticed was that the man walked up to the step and was making contact with the neighbors while the woman waited obediently halfway between the door and sidewalk. How sad it is that subtle sexist overtones still persist in the 21st century.
I got my coffee and returned home when my dogs suddenly freaked out. That's the one thing I love the most about jezebel: 3 feet high and 108 lbs of mormon-hating fury when they knock on the door. I swear, it's like she knows. The dog has no problem with the mailman, the utility meeter reader or the cats next door, but when a brainwashed mo comes calling, she absolutely loses it. Must be the name badges.
I spent the first couple of minutes trying to get outside as she attempted to force her way through the door behind me.
So here is the part that bugs me the most, "hello, blah blah, we're you're neighbors and the bishop asked us to come around to represent the "neighborhood disaster coordination committee" in case we have an earthquake or some other disaster". Like I have any idea who the fuck the local bishop is!? And who put them in charge of this so-called "neighborhood committee"? When was the meeting and election held and why have I never heard anything about it before? The answer of course is that there is no such committee and never has been.
Turns out this was just a disguised attempt to poll the neighborhood for mo's, non-mo's and potential mo's. He handed me a couple of pamplets and a letter "from the bishop" (thanks unknown local wealthy white male) which read as follows:
"the xxx ward is collecting information on all of the homes that are within our ward boundaries so that we are better aware of our membership and can serve our brothers and sisters in the lord more effectively. We would like to request that you help provide us with a few simple pieces of information and we will use the information only for the purposes of cleaning out our records and establishing home teaching and visiting teaching routes. If you are not a member of the church and would like to know more about the church of blah blah blah we invite you to our allday meetings at yada yada. in addition if you would like to recieve a visit from the missionaries please provide your contact information....."
Aww trolling for info on the locals. The CIA couldn't do it better.
So what about the fucking earthquakes?
Not a word... They were sent out on a covert intelligence-gathering mission.
I have the feeling I will be bombarded with pro-Mitt Romney literature in the not so distant future.
Looking at my long hair, flavor-savor lip goatee and beer t-shirt ("beer is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy -Benjamin Franklin"), he asked, "So are you LDS?"
"Uh, no. I used to be but am no longer a member."
He literaly took two steps back off the porch.
"and my wife is catholic."
"So it is just the two of you?"
"Yep... and the dogs."
She chimed in asking, "So is your name still on church membership records?"
"It's not suppose to be", I replied with an icy glare.
I guess the little misses was so taken back by my ex-mormon-turned-heathen status that it was now time to step out of her 1840's role and actually question me. She wanted to talk about earthquakes to protect their cover.
"Hey, i'm from California and yeah, i've felt a couple allready. Been there, done that, not worried about it... want a beer?" (o.k., I didn't ACTUALLY offer her a beer, but I
was clutching my coffee cup harder than the BoM she carried, for what it's worth.)
I think at this point they realised the situation was hopeless. They were dealing with the devil incarnate who lives practically across the street from their holy safe haven. I expect their house to go up for sale any day now. They scurried off to hassle the lamanites next door. Uh sorry, I mean native americans.
Browsing through their literature on the way to the recycling bin, I noticed a couple of pamplets. One was an actual legitimate community news one that they'd hijacked from somewhere. The other two were put out by the church: "family storage" which included everything but the bombshelter. The other was "family finances" which ironically had the following order of importance: After listing income, the first item under "expenses" prior to food, Mortgage and utilities was of course, tithing. I mean it was at the very top before "debt payments, medical, insurance, clothing and school expenses". Mormon priorities: you can be hungry, homeless, in debt, sick, uneducated and naked.. but as long as you have paid your tithing first and foremost, then god bless ya brother, you're ass is saved.
I'm expecting a follow up visit by the missionaries (again) any day now. Maybe they will send that same geeky white guy and his absolutely HUGE Samoan companion/backup for a return engagement -the same guy who was eyeballing my dog like she'd make a tasty barbecue...... should be a hell of a fight.